St. Patrick's Day

Saint Patrick's day celebrates the life and contributions of Saint Patrick Stout, the originator of the Stout. Though the original recipe involved steeping clovers and stirring them non-stop for 17 days by small people wielding shillelaghs, this fact has been long lost in the tumult of history. Fortunately, we are most blessed with Patrick's keen ability to realize clovers don't belong in beer, and one should never trust a leprechaun near alcohol.

Francis Scott Key

Few know that Francis Scott Key was not his birth name. He never felt comfortable with his original name, Frank Ghosta Hollywood, especially since he never knew how to relax and since Hollywood hadn’t been invented yet. When he was old enough, he decided to change his name to something appropriate for his future line of work as a lawyer. After he passed the bar, he changed his name to Francis Off Free, a marketing move that he felt would bring him many clients. And he did find many clients, but many thought the ‘Free’ part was the cost of his service. This led to his second name change, and a job change, when he decided to become a song writer. He felt changing his last name to ‘Key’ would attract composers to his lyrics, and musical history would be made. Unfortunately, he forgot to change his middle name.

Thanksgiving

The origins of Thanksgiving and its traditions are clouded in mystery. Until now.

According to recently unearthed documents, scientists have learned that Thanksgiving was an accident.

Apparently, prior to the now famous get-together, the pilgrims were suffering from a severe flu epidemic. Gerald Johnson, the leader of the pilgrims, blamed the Indians for bringing the flu to the pilgrim camp. Johnson, whose diary included many pages detailing interactions with the Indians, said his ‘uncivilized neighbors like to call us names. They call us ‘cows’ and snicker behind our backs.’”

“We must tell these savages that we are unhappy with this horrible sickness they have passed on to us,” Johnson wrote.

Johnson sent a very sick young man by the name of Horace to the nearby Indian camp. When he arrived, Horace was out of breath and out of energy.

“Thanks….giving…..flu,” Horace told the chief. Chief Bear In The Wood, who understood little English and was slightly deaf, thought the young man said ‘thanksgiving food.’ The chief thought he heard a dinner invitation, and the chief loved dinner parties.

The Indian camp gathered up all types of goodies and went over to the ‘cow camp.’ The Pilgrims, thinking the Indians were offering some type of penance for their sin, were delighted. So the Pilgrims and Indians dined together on that first Thanksgiving day.

The children, who had recovered much quicker from the flu than their adult counterparts, started tossing an odd shaped pumpkin around. Soon the Indian children joined the game. Thus was the first recorded game between the ‘cow’ boys and Indians.

Benjamin Franklin

Much is known about Franklin’s experiment with electricity. What isn’t known is how a local law officer thought Franklin had been drinking, the rationale being “What fool would be flying a kite in this weather?” Franklin, of course, had been drinking, but he anticipated the possible confrontation. As he saw the officer approaching, he popped a piece of candy in his mouth. The officer asked if Franklin had been drinking, and Franklin denied any imbibing. At this point, the only thing the officer could do was to perform an 18th century breathalyzer test, commonly referred to as “sniffing around.” Franklin’s candy masked the scent, and the officer left Franklin alone. Later, Franklin made the recipe for his ‘candy’ available to the public, and the public loved it. To this day, the Franklin Mint is as popular as ever. But not as tasty.

The original bifocals had very thick lenses, and they were also very cumbersome to wear. Oddly, wearers often found if they drank ale, the glasses tended to make certain women or men appear very attractive. Though the glasses were impractical to wear for the general populace, they were a big hit at the University of Pennsylvania. The ‘Fanny Focals’, or ‘Glee Glasses’ eventually gave way to the name we know today as ‘Beer Goggles.’

The Franklin Stove, many believe, was developed to keep smoke from entering the home when a fire was lit. Actually, Franklin developed the stove so his band could come by and rehearse. Few know that Franklin was a popular tavern singer who appeared nightly at the “Toasted Wig’ in downtown Philadelphia. The band, primarily consisting of veterans from the Revolutionary War, was called Bennie and the Vets.

During the many long nights deliberating freedom and stuff, Franklin befriended James Madison and his wife, Dolly. Dolly, a very nice lady who wore beautiful capes, was partially deaf. One afternoon after a particularly long session on a notoriously cold Pennsylvania winter’s day, the fireplace went out unexpectedly and could not be restarted. Franklin, who hated the cold, was heard to exclaim, “We certainly could use some Dolly Madison capes in here.” Apparently, Dolly thought he said cakes, so she went home and baked some. And culinary history was made.

Aluminum Bats

According to history, the first aluminum bat was designed accidentally by Herbert LeBoink. LeBoink, longtime baseball fan and small mammal enthusiast, was a taxidermist by trade. He enjoyed stuffing trophy animals with readily available metals. When others used softer materials, LeBoink prefered using lead and aluminum. Lead was a popular ingredient in LeBoink's work because it discouraged children from playing with their beloved stuffed deceased pet. He used aluminum in those cases where weight was not a concern and when he had lots of Reynolds Wrap lying around the house. Legend has it he had just finished stuffing a prized Sheep Dog named Casey when a baseball crashed through his window and struck Casey, knocking Casey down while making a really cool noise in the process. In a fit of anger, LeBoink lifted Casey up, tossed the baseball in the air, and swung Casey like a bat at the ball. He liked how the ball and aluminum connected, but decided a stuffed straight snake would be a better choice for swinging. Eventually, his stuffed straight snakes were the hit of the school playgrounds. Later, professional players sought out the snakes, and soon there was boinking nationwide.

LeBoink shared the story with his neighbor, Earnest Thayer, who, in turn wrote about an aluminum stuffed sheep dog that was used as a bat during professional baseball games. Casey Was the Bat didn't take off like Thayer had hoped, but he eventually came to the conclusion that changing a few things and dropping the sheep dog would help immensely.

Knitting

According to legend, the word 'knit' originally meant "pop you so hard you'll see stars," which was a sign of love and admiration in the small town of Concussion, Italy. After prolonged 'knitting', the population realized there was probably a better way. At that point, Bernardo Crochet, a local haberdasher, convinced the townspeople that making sweaters was a better and safer way to show love and admiration. Not surprisingly, the constant noggin' knockin' had adverse effects on those who decided to start 'knitting' in the new fangled way. The sweaters looked more like blankets with arm holes. And the Snuggie was born.

Palmolive

Little is known of the "Madge" character who willy nilly plunged fingers into dish soap. Rumor has it she was an ex-palm reader who kept reading the backs of people's hands. Another story is more plausible, but I'm not sure what that story is. It is known she was arrested for taking indecent liberties with a foot when she tried to give a pedicure using apple butter, biscuits, and Brummel and Brown. Currently she is in the county lockup waiting for the other shoe to drop.

(kudos to Melissa for dislodging those little gray cells)