Thanksgiving

The origins of Thanksgiving and its traditions are clouded in mystery. Until now.

According to recently unearthed documents, scientists have learned that Thanksgiving was an accident.

Apparently, prior to the now famous get-together, the pilgrims were suffering from a severe flu epidemic. Gerald Johnson, the leader of the pilgrims, blamed the Indians for bringing the flu to the pilgrim camp. Johnson, whose diary included many pages detailing interactions with the Indians, said his ‘uncivilized neighbors like to call us names. They call us ‘cows’ and snicker behind our backs.’”

“We must tell these savages that we are unhappy with this horrible sickness they have passed on to us,” Johnson wrote.

Johnson sent a very sick young man by the name of Horace to the nearby Indian camp. When he arrived, Horace was out of breath and out of energy.

“Thanks….giving…..flu,” Horace told the chief. Chief Bear In The Wood, who understood little English and was slightly deaf, thought the young man said ‘thanksgiving food.’ The chief thought he heard a dinner invitation, and the chief loved dinner parties.

The Indian camp gathered up all types of goodies and went over to the ‘cow camp.’ The Pilgrims, thinking the Indians were offering some type of penance for their sin, were delighted. So the Pilgrims and Indians dined together on that first Thanksgiving day.

The children, who had recovered much quicker from the flu than their adult counterparts, started tossing an odd shaped pumpkin around. Soon the Indian children joined the game. Thus was the first recorded game between the ‘cow’ boys and Indians.

Benjamin Franklin

Much is known about Franklin’s experiment with electricity. What isn’t known is how a local law officer thought Franklin had been drinking, the rationale being “What fool would be flying a kite in this weather?” Franklin, of course, had been drinking, but he anticipated the possible confrontation. As he saw the officer approaching, he popped a piece of candy in his mouth. The officer asked if Franklin had been drinking, and Franklin denied any imbibing. At this point, the only thing the officer could do was to perform an 18th century breathalyzer test, commonly referred to as “sniffing around.” Franklin’s candy masked the scent, and the officer left Franklin alone. Later, Franklin made the recipe for his ‘candy’ available to the public, and the public loved it. To this day, the Franklin Mint is as popular as ever. But not as tasty.

The original bifocals had very thick lenses, and they were also very cumbersome to wear. Oddly, wearers often found if they drank ale, the glasses tended to make certain women or men appear very attractive. Though the glasses were impractical to wear for the general populace, they were a big hit at the University of Pennsylvania. The ‘Fanny Focals’, or ‘Glee Glasses’ eventually gave way to the name we know today as ‘Beer Goggles.’

The Franklin Stove, many believe, was developed to keep smoke from entering the home when a fire was lit. Actually, Franklin developed the stove so his band could come by and rehearse. Few know that Franklin was a popular tavern singer who appeared nightly at the “Toasted Wig’ in downtown Philadelphia. The band, primarily consisting of veterans from the Revolutionary War, was called Bennie and the Vets.

During the many long nights deliberating freedom and stuff, Franklin befriended James Madison and his wife, Dolly. Dolly, a very nice lady who wore beautiful capes, was partially deaf. One afternoon after a particularly long session on a notoriously cold Pennsylvania winter’s day, the fireplace went out unexpectedly and could not be restarted. Franklin, who hated the cold, was heard to exclaim, “We certainly could use some Dolly Madison capes in here.” Apparently, Dolly thought he said cakes, so she went home and baked some. And culinary history was made.

Aluminum Bats

According to history, the first aluminum bat was designed accidentally by Herbert LeBoink. LeBoink, longtime baseball fan and small mammal enthusiast, was a taxidermist by trade. He enjoyed stuffing trophy animals with readily available metals. When others used softer materials, LeBoink prefered using lead and aluminum. Lead was a popular ingredient in LeBoink's work because it discouraged children from playing with their beloved stuffed deceased pet. He used aluminum in those cases where weight was not a concern and when he had lots of Reynolds Wrap lying around the house. Legend has it he had just finished stuffing a prized Sheep Dog named Casey when a baseball crashed through his window and struck Casey, knocking Casey down while making a really cool noise in the process. In a fit of anger, LeBoink lifted Casey up, tossed the baseball in the air, and swung Casey like a bat at the ball. He liked how the ball and aluminum connected, but decided a stuffed straight snake would be a better choice for swinging. Eventually, his stuffed straight snakes were the hit of the school playgrounds. Later, professional players sought out the snakes, and soon there was boinking nationwide.

LeBoink shared the story with his neighbor, Earnest Thayer, who, in turn wrote about an aluminum stuffed sheep dog that was used as a bat during professional baseball games. Casey Was the Bat didn't take off like Thayer had hoped, but he eventually came to the conclusion that changing a few things and dropping the sheep dog would help immensely.

Knitting

According to legend, the word 'knit' originally meant "pop you so hard you'll see stars," which was a sign of love and admiration in the small town of Concussion, Italy. After prolonged 'knitting', the population realized there was probably a better way. At that point, Bernardo Crochet, a local haberdasher, convinced the townspeople that making sweaters was a better and safer way to show love and admiration. Not surprisingly, the constant noggin' knockin' had adverse effects on those who decided to start 'knitting' in the new fangled way. The sweaters looked more like blankets with arm holes. And the Snuggie was born.

Palmolive

Little is known of the "Madge" character who willy nilly plunged fingers into dish soap. Rumor has it she was an ex-palm reader who kept reading the backs of people's hands. Another story is more plausible, but I'm not sure what that story is. It is known she was arrested for taking indecent liberties with a foot when she tried to give a pedicure using apple butter, biscuits, and Brummel and Brown. Currently she is in the county lockup waiting for the other shoe to drop.

(kudos to Melissa for dislodging those little gray cells)

Winnie the Pooh

Long before he became a staple of the early childhood reader’s lexicon, Winnie the Pooh had a life outside the realm of fiction. Recent documentation of the bear’s life reveals that Pooh was once a very large bear. Apparently, his addiction to honey pots was a lifelong struggle. Medical records indication his pot problems led him to a staggering weight of close to two tons. Realizing something had to be done about his size, Pooh decided on the then expensive procedure of liposuction. As luck would have it, a mobile home salesman by the name of Benny Bago was looking for a gimmick to help him make quota. According to legend, when he met Pooh, Bago came up with the phrase “Buy this mobile home or the bear will sit on you.” The phrase was short lived, but the relationship wasn’t. Bago partnered with Pooh to create a motor home prototype that later became a highway icon. When Pooh sold his share of the company, he had enough money for the operation and enough money to start all over again. Today, the company that bears his name, Winnebago, is still going strong, and Pooh has yet to kick his addiction to honey pots.

NAB

Often referred to as the National Association of Broadcasters, the initials NAB originally stood for the National Association of Bass Catchers.

Once a year, people who fished would often go to Las Vegas for an annual convention to celebrate the glory that is fishing, specifically bass fishing. Unfortunately, after a few years of the convention, the thousands of bass fisherman drained both Lake Meade and Lake Mojave. With an absence of bass and an unhealthy amount of alcohol, broadcasters and former airline pilots were the only groups who wanted to continue meeting in Las Vegas. Those bass fishing, hard drinking pilots were well known for their rowdiness and impromptu “landing festivals” that involved, well, I really can’t go into that. In short, the airline industry had them on a no-fly watch list, long before the infamous lists became popularized by the federal government.

With the majority of bass fisherman gone, broadcasters alone were determined to carry on in the desert. Eventually, these stalwart professionals decided it would be neat to see cool equipment during the daytime, when they were, er, sober. Broadcast equipment manufacturers thought it was a great idea to go to the desert and hang out with the people they wanted to sell stuff to. Together, they came up with a specific convention that not only catered to the needs of broadcasters and video production people, but it also catered to their healthy interest in exploring the wide variety of libations that can only be found in Vegas.

Sweet Tea

Sweet tea, long a favorite southern beverage, has its roots in Saxon war rituals. On the occasions where Saxons won a victory on the battlefield, they would drink the blood of their opponents. Though they believed the blood would give them power, it often gave them dysentery; a problem that often led to their defeat on and off the battlefield. Tired of getting caught with his pants down, Grrpxnstrbr the Vowelless suggested they drink tea instead. Culturally, this was a milestone for the Saxons. After the ‘tea service’ took hold within the armed ranks, Loosy Anne, a Saxon groupie, suggested sweetening the tea with sugar. (Loosy Anne's discovery eventually lead to the invention of the earliest known dentures). Soon pinkies were raised and demitasses were lifted in the spirit of camaraderie, and when they discovered that blood needn’t be spilled to enjoy tea, they developed a pacifist attitude that eventually led to their demise.

Valentine's Day

The origins of Valentine's day are usually associated with two priests named Valentine who were both martyred during the early years the church. However, reports have surfaced that there was a third priest named Vinnie Valentine. This name popped up in a recent document discovered in an ancient Roman catacomb.
The document tells the story of Cupicious, who is referred to as "Maioribus harp ludio ludius obvius Luni," (trans: The greatest harp player in Luni). Citizens traveled far and wide to hear him play the harp. Though many found his music incredibly powerful and moving, it could also be deadly. According to the ancient texts, Cupicious used sharp arrows to pluck the strings, and sometimes these arrows would take flight during his performance. The document notes that many people suffered serious injuries from "the arrows of Cupicious's misfortune." During one performance, an arrow fatally struck Vinnie Valentine. When the church discovered the priest's death, they decided Vinnie should be remembered not for being killed by an arrow while listening to secular music, but remembered as someone who gave his heart freely to those around him.
A lowly church bureaucrat was charged with writing the priest's obituary. The bureaucrat, Buyus Hallmarkus, embellished the obit so well that the story evolved into the following:
"A demon named Cupicious struck down Monsignor Valentine as the priest was bestowing the love of his heart upon his parishioners. Upon the priest's death, those nearby suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to bestow cards and candy to their families and friends."

Golf

Legend has it that Bill Lochmess created the first golf club that talked. He fashioned the leather club from one of his prized black sheep. This club was an instant success, and Lochmess devised a way to mass produce the clubs and make a tidy profit. Curiously, the club had two distinct features that no one could quite duplicate with other clubs. First, it had the uncanny ability to point in the direction the ball needed to go, a very handy feature especially for the novice golfer. The second feature was a bleating noise it made when the club head made contact with the ball. As you can imagine, the bleating noise became quite the distraction on the course, and the club's knack for pointing itself correctly to the hole uncomfortably evened the playing field between amateurs and professionals. Eventually, the club was banned from the sport in 1902. According to official documents, then president of the Genuine Athletic Golfer's Association (GAGA) Bill Happenstance, made the fateful announcement calling for an end to all Black Sheep Drivers.

Snow

According to one province’s version of Chinese mythology, the great goddess Sell Soon Boo was responsible for snow. When she was upset, locals believe she shook her head violently and the sky would fill with flakes. As it snowed, residents reportedly started doing silly things in the street, an almost surrealistic display featuring hands waving about, dancing, and pillow fights. Since early pillows were filled with rocks, casualties during snow storms were quite common. As casualties mounted, town folk took to yelling epithets at each other, just before their neighbors knocked them senseless with a nearby sleep accessory. With the invention of feather pillows, the epithets eventually turned into encouragement. This became the first historical account of non-injurious pillow talk.

Ballet

Scientists recently proved the existence of an ancient and legendary cannibal tribe that resided deep in the jungles of the Amazon. It seems the tribe’s tastes were quite peculiar, which led to their early demise. According to the tribal stories, members of the tribe were limited to only eating people in their peer group. Once the unfortunate peer was dispatched, the cannibal chief raised his arms (the chief’s arms, not the kinsman’s arms) and spun around his right toe several times (yeah, the chief's toe). This signaled to the rest of the tribe that the great goddess Toronatoes had swept away the soul of their beloved dinner. As you can imagine, the herd thinned itself out of existence. However, several conquistadors witnessed the elegant dance and brought its graces back to Europe. The Peer You Ate dance became quite a dance sensation at dinner parties. And to this day, it remains a standard part of any ballet virtuoso.

Wednesday

Though most names for the days of the week are shrouded in mystery, luckily, there is an explanation for the day, Wednesday. According to Roman historian Ondopamine (c. 197 AD), Wednesday was named after Caesar Psoriasis's camel, Mel. Mel, it appears was the court's favorite camel who would, among other things, become flatulant when startled. This is also where the term 'clear the court' came from. Originally, Psoriasis wanted to call the day 'Melday,' which would have made many a school child happy when confronted with spelling the days of the week. Sadly, Melday was a no-starter, and Psoriasis settled for Mel's nickname, Windy. Over time, Wendyday became Wednesday. And to this day, we continue to honor Mel when we speak of Wednesday as being 'hump day.'

Virginia

Lou Bordeaux of Sandston, Virginia owned a large automobile and door louver manufacturing facility. Lou's Louvers employed several thousand workers. These workers contributed a sizable amount of money to the state's tax coffers. According to state records, when Bordeaux suggested that he was looking to move his plant to another state, the governor panicked and told the legislature create a campaign to keep the plant and jobs in Virginia. In an historic error, the printing company charged with creating the slogan misspelled louvers and created a marketing sensation. Thus, the very successful "Virginia is for Lovers" campaign was created.

Flying Hams

Very little is known about the ancient attack art of high flying hams, but according to legend, King Norderstardantank (c. 1325) of Norway, invented the first strategic pork catapult that could send a pig flying over 1000 yards. It's accuracy, according to the story, was so exact, that enemies would get physically ill when they heard the King was coming. To this day, whenever anyone sees a pig fly, physicians immediately suspect swine flew.

Ronald Reagan

Recently unclassified documents have shed more light on the Reagan administration. According to one document, Reagan was actually a robot constructed from old communicators used in the original Star Trek television series. Thus, he was constantly referred to as the Great Communicator, not because he had talent, but because he was much larger than the original communicators. And he tended to chirp when he bent over.